Expression

If I could draw,
I would turn graphite to diamonds,
Draw my heart out on canvases
Sketch wonders with graceful strokes,

If I could sing,
I would turn feelings to sounds
Strum heartbeats into soothing melodies
Sing people songs that moves emotions,

If I could write,
I would write you a poem,
String words into a heartmelting bouquet
Turn silent words into butterflies in bellies

Rainbows can be seen, sung, and read.
Tears can be in ink, melodies, and pictures
Let your ideas run wild
Expression doesn't deserve suppression

Vesuvius

Alas, a grim dawn has come. I am Vesuvius. The toilet bowl is Pompeii. Last night's Chicken Tikka Masala is molten fiery lava. I am Pompeii's final reckoning; exacting punishment from above. None shall escape the inevitable - neither the sinful nor the innocent. Let the noses of the unfortunate witness this divine destruction I bring to this land. Pray that those above have mercy on their souls.

Godlike satisfaction.

Unconditional Bonds

Up till now, I still wonder on how frequent it is to witness or have unconditional friendships. Indeed, I believe that the most sacred of all bonds are those that are unconditional : unconditional love, unconditional friendships, unconditional faith.

Perhaps it is because of the bond formed out of pure feelings with no strings attached, nothing at stake on the table, and nothing to gain that makes it so long-lasting. Hell, some of these bonds are so strong that not even time affects it; the feelings just go dormant. Due time, the flame of friendship pops out like nothing ever changed.

If I were to give an honest opinion, the best friends I have ever had were the ones I met in lower secondary school. Well, maybe the fact that we bathed, ate, and slept together played a big part in fostering that brotherhood, but nevertheless, it was formed without any self-interest - unconditional.

After those 3 memorable years, I was then introduced to reality. The reality that to have friends is to have something to give in return for the friendship. Unconditional friendships are only stumbled upon once in a blue moon. The rarity is then exacerbated by our attachment to online media. Thus, leading to an environment that is so hostile towards true friendship.

In venting out my repressed anger, I wish to deduce from my own experiences that as the amount of brain increases, friendship values decreases. I would choose befriending the school gangster because they believe that the people around them are the ones keeping their hidden broken pieces together. I have had 2 enemies who became my best friends because after you get through that rough and rude exterior, what you'll see is a gentle person that will go through extreme lengths to save you.

Jam of the day

Tunnel Rush

I recreated the scene from Perks of Being a Wallflower on my way to Washington DC. I felt so free. The feel of the cool night wind blowing on my face, the rush from the speed. I played a song mentally in head: Last Words - Real Tuesday Weld.

With the tunnel closing to an end, I closed my eyes.

It really felt like how you described it Charlie.

Of Sleeplessness

I grew an addiction. It is 2.45am and here I am curled up getting haunted. Repressed memories are detrimental. They need to be let go. But who am I to muster enough strength to let go of those pains.

Porcine

I write this because I am trying to find myself through my mind.
My mind is a room that belongs to a lazy, fat, stoned, semi gamer and full time procrastinator college kid.

And my imaginary being is in that room; taking the form of an ant. An ant that is trying to weave through what is a labyrinth even for a human million times his size.

I don't know myself anymore. Once upon a time, I was too eager to find myself. So I myself on a quest to find the "missing" parts of me. I set out with eagerness and high hopes but I was unprepared. I was ignorant. I was too naive. I was just a pig trying to fly but ending up being a muddy mess who thought his spoinky tail was wings and his snout was a mighty hawk's beak.

The pig is not a hawk. Nay, he is not even a pig anymore. He is a fool

Turns out the parts of  me weren't missing. I just didn't accept myself. The missing puzzles that I fanatically searched for were merely stuck to my fat back from me sleeping too much.

No climax. No one claps. I will retreat back to my sty. Only to find that I couldn't call it home anymore. I am now lost. Cursed to lie in the mud.

Well, I will turn to mud anyway. What was the word for a certain fate again? Oh yeah. Inevitable.

At least I have Anis Mojgani and his poems.

I am tired of writing, Still haven't found why I am in the mud.

I'll make mud angels then.

Some Random Shiz

Cherry Topped Cherry Bomb

"They're afraid that the moment the laughter stops, all that's left is that gross, awkward kid everyone hated on the playground, the one they've been hiding behind bricks all their adult life."

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/robin-williams-why-funny-people-kill-themselves/#ixzz3AE8MOolE

Humor is a failed yet precious ability that I try to improve from time to time. Humor is my mask; my failed mask. The interactions between the components of an individual's complex personality sometimes act towards his own detriment in socializing.

The article hit me like a silent hand that slowly tugged on my diaphragm; pulling my lungs and chest downwards into a virtual void in my belly. Your throat suddenly becomes dry and all the moisture heads to your eyes. Thus, a tear or two was broken. Thank God noone was here.

Blasted writer revealing secrets to the public. I think that having random people poking into that cell and disturb the peace of self imposed emotional incarceration is one big no-no.

Another addition about the people described in the article is that some of them are stuck in an inescapable circle. They could not share because they hate themselves for their social awkwardness which takes them back to the inability to share.

Some may argue, if they are socially awkward, how can they even try to be funny? Why can they be the social butterfly instead of being the introvert? Why do they want the attention when they actually should be hating it?

My answer? The laugh that people give to them is their heroin, their shot of THC to illuminate their dark cave. The scar from being shunted once upon a time in their life forced them to live a personality that they hate. Don't even call it a personality, call it a lie - a facade. A facade. Facade. What a nice sounding word to describe an ugly thing.

Crack up humor. Revel in the brief high. Repeat. 

It sounds bad looks ugly, but don't hate their method of social sustenance.

Due to the contrasting values between the real individuals and their masks, we try so hard to be approachable but we rarely feel approached, in the end we drain ourselves to the point that the only thing we have left to give is our life.

To Step Into The Cave

This is the plight of the seemingly happy kid who seems to have everything but lost everything. This is the plight of the ambivert who shuts the world out because it drains him. This is the plight of the little girl who chose to become Rapunzel because her stepmother was right - the world is filled with rotten hearts.

To those who found the heart to care, follow the signs to find these people. Find their eyes beneath the cracks of long hair, peek within the windows of their souls, through the fortification of silence - built to shield themselves from the barrage of discrimination.

Listen to the voice coming from within that is begging you to step into their worn out shoes; to look through the lens of their crooked glasses, and to see the world in their taste.

Perhaps they'll pry open your third eye and show you that this is a world where superficiality is an accepted mentality, where exploitation is a denied yet real motivation, and where being street-smart means being able to be the meanest to the weakest.

Beneath the awkward silence may be an orchestra of ponderings. Isn't that true my friend?

Stardust and hopes

Ever tried reading a book or watching a movie that made you pause at moments to digest all the emotions imposed upon yourself? At that frustrating moment you are trying to untangle yourself from the suspension of reality which is the book/movie. In one extreme, you even resort to not even continue reading at all to preserve the optimistic ideas you've had in mind to resolve the story.

The actresses and actors I see in mass media play a role of characters in my head. Without these faces, my imagination would be filled with empty mannequins.

The words of some books somehow act itself out in my brain, occupied by these faces. It is not possible in real life to let Saoirse Ronan as Alaska and Channing Tatum as the Colonel in one of my imagination of John Green's novel.

To feel the moment that you are reading, to feel our heart pierced; by what merely are Times New Roman Font 11 on a brown piece of paper.

Huh. Imagination can prove a way to escape reality, or on the other a tool to better understand the nuances of reality itself.

Swamplandia, a story that builds up giving you hope that magic somewhat exists in this world but then drags you to the realization that the fairy dust you've been blown with is just cheap foundation powder from an old prostitute in Chow Kit Road. It can't be denied that tIhe world is as dark and cruel as ever.

Speaking of Chow Kit Road; K.L Noir : Red, page 25 - We need to get our hands dirty to clean up the filth in our society. Hah! "Burger With No Sides" is a story that won't get out of my mind.

Indeed, directors, authors, and playwrights do know how to mess up with your emotions. I shall choose not to adhere by the path you've chosen for these fictional characters. They shall have their own ending in my imagination.

It feels weird to be emptying my thoughts here. No thanks to you.

Hate

What if I told you behind my hate for humanity,
I also hate myself.

Things I Would Say If My Parents Asked Anything About My Personal Life

1) "I don't know what are you talking about"

2) "Why do you expect me to share when almost everything I used to tell you received hostile responses?"

3) "Live with these facts, I'm not a drug addict, I don't smoke, I'm still a virgin, I'm a typical lazy youth, my studies are fine and I won't go deeper than that. (smiles)"

4) "Why am I not sharing? Gee, I don't know Mum, that's what happens when you get sent to hostels since you're 13 years old"

5) "It's for me to deal with, and for you to not find out (kisses Mum and leave the table)"

6) "(point behind them and make a shocked face) LOOK! MILEY CYRUS!!! (runs away)"

7) "No thank you, it will definitely lead you to say that everything is my fault and I should do this, do that, blablabla"

8) "No thank you, I will not let you use what I share against me to prove your points or make me feel bad in arguments"

9) "No thank you, I wish not to add gossip materials in your conversations with aunts"

10) "There is a line drawn between my life outside and inside of the house"

11) "According to a Venn diagram of my personal life and family life, they do not intersect. So I wish to not share."

12) A more diplomatic response - "I love you Mum, but I'm sorry, this is something that I cannot share"

13) And finally.... "I don't trust you with my secrets"

I love my parents but I believe that my problems should be dealt alone. Responses of conservative minds regarding the mischief in my personal life is too overwhelming and unnecessary. Last thing I want is my parents judging me.

P.S. Noone has an "open book life". You won't show the quotes of dirty bits you enjoy in a book to your parents or friends right?

Awkwardness

How do you differentiate between friendly teases and subtle insults?

I do know that behind every "just kidding", there is some truth.

Probably I haven't dealt with plenty of conversations. Okay right now it's like I'm trapped in a circle. I am uncomfortable and traumatized in dealing with conversations, but I do need to converse more. Get the endlessness of my situation?

However realistically, humans indeed are cruel creatures. We eat everything; even each other (literally figuratively).

Back to the problem, the difficulty to distinguish the 2 above situation earlier makes it harder to come up with a response in defense of myself (face it, who would wanna be looked as a wimp?).

Oh well, our parents would've told us to "ignore them" on the basis that "if you do not have anything nice to say,then don't say anything". Admittedly there is some truth to these ideas but these truths are widely rejected amongst youths today. They're just gonna keep coming at you.

Guess all that is left is just to keep away from those who hurt you.

Fuck humanity.

Decisions

I try to not regret the decisions that I have made. Although at times there were distinct losses due to poor decision-making skills.

I cannot decide on whether life has been kind to me or not. Perhaps yes, perhaps not. I have been moving only upwards in my life, reaching greater heights academically. Rutgers can be said as the climax of my journey so far.

However I am cautious as the rising bubble must soon pop; dropping down to the abyss.

I believe a side effect of me up in a faster pace than others is that I leave everyone in a trail of dust. Everyone gets blurred by the dust cloud. As soon as the dust subsides, I am gone from their sight - just a guy who left them behind.

Every new place I was sent/selected/accepted into were populated by people with different mindsets as a whole : from the rempit-idolizing community in PLKN to the "sophisticated" rich kids in INTEC.

Making new friends and starting anew was somewhat of a challenge. It takes a long time to fit in a community, and I leave so fast yet so close to adapting to the old community. In the end, I was thrusted into a community where the mindsets are a total polar opposites of the one I just left. A weirdo label gets hung around my neck.

I never regretted Rutgers. I never regretted INTEC. Despite the bitter memories with colleagues.

Indeed. Ultimately it all falls back to myself - will I strive?

1000 demands, 0 fucks left.

As much as I wish to banter and ramble on my philosophies in life. I think I am still imperfect, thus, unfit to judge and reprimand people for the things that they do.

I often decide to just release a silent whisper of "fuck you" to them and continue on with my life.

Have you ever felt like strangling someone? The feeling of hatred that seemed to have sprouted from within and has its roots so wedged deep inside you that its evil roots start to take control of your mind. This sense of dissatisfaction. The bubbling anger. The wave upon wave of surging intention to just wrap your fingers around the neck - comfortably positioned right on the location of the thorax, thumbs crossed choking the main blood vessels in the neck and fingers clawed deep into the atlas vertebra.

As you tighten your grip, the burst of hormonal cocktail does its magic - adrenaline slowing down time and giving you a pseudo-superhuman strength and reflex. At those seconds, you wonder what the first signs of damage is. Will it be the rupturing of the pulmonary blood vessels? Will it be the collapsing of the windpipe? Or perhaps (PERHAPS) will it be the snapping of the vertebrae?

The world has an abundance of people with twisted ideas. But what makes us different from those psychopaths out there is our lack of action on our wild imaginations.

So I unclench my fists, take a deep breath, and show a mental middle finger.

Enthusiasm

At least overachievers move up in life. That is what I have to say to the community of Malaysia who chastise and critic more than mak cik kampung. If someone gets too ahead, he/she is pulled down by the majority. What a nice country to live in, no wonder outliers are scarce o find in this country of opportunity.

We are too busy warring amongst ourselves due to scarred egos and ruptured pride. Salah sikit, kritik bersepah bak hang. Everyone has knives behind their back and everyone is trigger-happy. Plenty of Malaysians choose to lay low with the majority - katanya takut malu, takut kena hina sebab terlalu semangat. Ceh, penakut tak bertelur.

Courage is something we need to foster in ourselves. The great minds of the world come from achievers - those who work. I've heard my friends say "mat salleh ramai hebat sebab diorang Yahudi, memang diorang pandai", or "orang Jepun memang rajin, sebab tu banyak benda diorang boleh buat", so is that a reason why you people are fattening yourselves up with nasi lemak and teh tarik, working dull blue collar jobs, and makan gaji buta? Shouldn't you guys be out there proving that Malaysians too can be successful?

Malaysia needs more people with fighting spirit. Genius is not a necessity, perseverance is.

Silence In Loudness

That moment when you finally get your alone time sitting in the midst of a loud and hectic surrounding of the college cafeteria. At that moment, you finally enjoy the self imposed silence upon yourself. Bliss.

No sense of responsibility to start or maintain a conversation. No need to churn out ideas to not be seen as bored. No failed attempts at humor. 

I finally relinquish any traces of social awkwardness and revel in loneliness. Human interaction drains me. To sit back and watch the life of others unfold without being part of it is relaxing.

It's the small things in life that keeps you going.

Shh. Watch the people pass by.