Decisions

I try to not regret the decisions that I have made. Although at times there were distinct losses due to poor decision-making skills.

I cannot decide on whether life has been kind to me or not. Perhaps yes, perhaps not. I have been moving only upwards in my life, reaching greater heights academically. Rutgers can be said as the climax of my journey so far.

However I am cautious as the rising bubble must soon pop; dropping down to the abyss.

I believe a side effect of me up in a faster pace than others is that I leave everyone in a trail of dust. Everyone gets blurred by the dust cloud. As soon as the dust subsides, I am gone from their sight - just a guy who left them behind.

Every new place I was sent/selected/accepted into were populated by people with different mindsets as a whole : from the rempit-idolizing community in PLKN to the "sophisticated" rich kids in INTEC.

Making new friends and starting anew was somewhat of a challenge. It takes a long time to fit in a community, and I leave so fast yet so close to adapting to the old community. In the end, I was thrusted into a community where the mindsets are a total polar opposites of the one I just left. A weirdo label gets hung around my neck.

I never regretted Rutgers. I never regretted INTEC. Despite the bitter memories with colleagues.

Indeed. Ultimately it all falls back to myself - will I strive?

1000 demands, 0 fucks left.

As much as I wish to banter and ramble on my philosophies in life. I think I am still imperfect, thus, unfit to judge and reprimand people for the things that they do.

I often decide to just release a silent whisper of "fuck you" to them and continue on with my life.

Have you ever felt like strangling someone? The feeling of hatred that seemed to have sprouted from within and has its roots so wedged deep inside you that its evil roots start to take control of your mind. This sense of dissatisfaction. The bubbling anger. The wave upon wave of surging intention to just wrap your fingers around the neck - comfortably positioned right on the location of the thorax, thumbs crossed choking the main blood vessels in the neck and fingers clawed deep into the atlas vertebra.

As you tighten your grip, the burst of hormonal cocktail does its magic - adrenaline slowing down time and giving you a pseudo-superhuman strength and reflex. At those seconds, you wonder what the first signs of damage is. Will it be the rupturing of the pulmonary blood vessels? Will it be the collapsing of the windpipe? Or perhaps (PERHAPS) will it be the snapping of the vertebrae?

The world has an abundance of people with twisted ideas. But what makes us different from those psychopaths out there is our lack of action on our wild imaginations.

So I unclench my fists, take a deep breath, and show a mental middle finger.

Enthusiasm

At least overachievers move up in life. That is what I have to say to the community of Malaysia who chastise and critic more than mak cik kampung. If someone gets too ahead, he/she is pulled down by the majority. What a nice country to live in, no wonder outliers are scarce o find in this country of opportunity.

We are too busy warring amongst ourselves due to scarred egos and ruptured pride. Salah sikit, kritik bersepah bak hang. Everyone has knives behind their back and everyone is trigger-happy. Plenty of Malaysians choose to lay low with the majority - katanya takut malu, takut kena hina sebab terlalu semangat. Ceh, penakut tak bertelur.

Courage is something we need to foster in ourselves. The great minds of the world come from achievers - those who work. I've heard my friends say "mat salleh ramai hebat sebab diorang Yahudi, memang diorang pandai", or "orang Jepun memang rajin, sebab tu banyak benda diorang boleh buat", so is that a reason why you people are fattening yourselves up with nasi lemak and teh tarik, working dull blue collar jobs, and makan gaji buta? Shouldn't you guys be out there proving that Malaysians too can be successful?

Malaysia needs more people with fighting spirit. Genius is not a necessity, perseverance is.

Silence In Loudness

That moment when you finally get your alone time sitting in the midst of a loud and hectic surrounding of the college cafeteria. At that moment, you finally enjoy the self imposed silence upon yourself. Bliss.

No sense of responsibility to start or maintain a conversation. No need to churn out ideas to not be seen as bored. No failed attempts at humor. 

I finally relinquish any traces of social awkwardness and revel in loneliness. Human interaction drains me. To sit back and watch the life of others unfold without being part of it is relaxing.

It's the small things in life that keeps you going.

Shh. Watch the people pass by.