Stardust and hopes

Ever tried reading a book or watching a movie that made you pause at moments to digest all the emotions imposed upon yourself? At that frustrating moment you are trying to untangle yourself from the suspension of reality which is the book/movie. In one extreme, you even resort to not even continue reading at all to preserve the optimistic ideas you've had in mind to resolve the story.

The actresses and actors I see in mass media play a role of characters in my head. Without these faces, my imagination would be filled with empty mannequins.

The words of some books somehow act itself out in my brain, occupied by these faces. It is not possible in real life to let Saoirse Ronan as Alaska and Channing Tatum as the Colonel in one of my imagination of John Green's novel.

To feel the moment that you are reading, to feel our heart pierced; by what merely are Times New Roman Font 11 on a brown piece of paper.

Huh. Imagination can prove a way to escape reality, or on the other a tool to better understand the nuances of reality itself.

Swamplandia, a story that builds up giving you hope that magic somewhat exists in this world but then drags you to the realization that the fairy dust you've been blown with is just cheap foundation powder from an old prostitute in Chow Kit Road. It can't be denied that tIhe world is as dark and cruel as ever.

Speaking of Chow Kit Road; K.L Noir : Red, page 25 - We need to get our hands dirty to clean up the filth in our society. Hah! "Burger With No Sides" is a story that won't get out of my mind.

Indeed, directors, authors, and playwrights do know how to mess up with your emotions. I shall choose not to adhere by the path you've chosen for these fictional characters. They shall have their own ending in my imagination.

It feels weird to be emptying my thoughts here. No thanks to you.

Hate

What if I told you behind my hate for humanity,
I also hate myself.

Things I Would Say If My Parents Asked Anything About My Personal Life

1) "I don't know what are you talking about"

2) "Why do you expect me to share when almost everything I used to tell you received hostile responses?"

3) "Live with these facts, I'm not a drug addict, I don't smoke, I'm still a virgin, I'm a typical lazy youth, my studies are fine and I won't go deeper than that. (smiles)"

4) "Why am I not sharing? Gee, I don't know Mum, that's what happens when you get sent to hostels since you're 13 years old"

5) "It's for me to deal with, and for you to not find out (kisses Mum and leave the table)"

6) "(point behind them and make a shocked face) LOOK! MILEY CYRUS!!! (runs away)"

7) "No thank you, it will definitely lead you to say that everything is my fault and I should do this, do that, blablabla"

8) "No thank you, I will not let you use what I share against me to prove your points or make me feel bad in arguments"

9) "No thank you, I wish not to add gossip materials in your conversations with aunts"

10) "There is a line drawn between my life outside and inside of the house"

11) "According to a Venn diagram of my personal life and family life, they do not intersect. So I wish to not share."

12) A more diplomatic response - "I love you Mum, but I'm sorry, this is something that I cannot share"

13) And finally.... "I don't trust you with my secrets"

I love my parents but I believe that my problems should be dealt alone. Responses of conservative minds regarding the mischief in my personal life is too overwhelming and unnecessary. Last thing I want is my parents judging me.

P.S. Noone has an "open book life". You won't show the quotes of dirty bits you enjoy in a book to your parents or friends right?

Awkwardness

How do you differentiate between friendly teases and subtle insults?

I do know that behind every "just kidding", there is some truth.

Probably I haven't dealt with plenty of conversations. Okay right now it's like I'm trapped in a circle. I am uncomfortable and traumatized in dealing with conversations, but I do need to converse more. Get the endlessness of my situation?

However realistically, humans indeed are cruel creatures. We eat everything; even each other (literally figuratively).

Back to the problem, the difficulty to distinguish the 2 above situation earlier makes it harder to come up with a response in defense of myself (face it, who would wanna be looked as a wimp?).

Oh well, our parents would've told us to "ignore them" on the basis that "if you do not have anything nice to say,then don't say anything". Admittedly there is some truth to these ideas but these truths are widely rejected amongst youths today. They're just gonna keep coming at you.

Guess all that is left is just to keep away from those who hurt you.

Fuck humanity.

Decisions

I try to not regret the decisions that I have made. Although at times there were distinct losses due to poor decision-making skills.

I cannot decide on whether life has been kind to me or not. Perhaps yes, perhaps not. I have been moving only upwards in my life, reaching greater heights academically. Rutgers can be said as the climax of my journey so far.

However I am cautious as the rising bubble must soon pop; dropping down to the abyss.

I believe a side effect of me up in a faster pace than others is that I leave everyone in a trail of dust. Everyone gets blurred by the dust cloud. As soon as the dust subsides, I am gone from their sight - just a guy who left them behind.

Every new place I was sent/selected/accepted into were populated by people with different mindsets as a whole : from the rempit-idolizing community in PLKN to the "sophisticated" rich kids in INTEC.

Making new friends and starting anew was somewhat of a challenge. It takes a long time to fit in a community, and I leave so fast yet so close to adapting to the old community. In the end, I was thrusted into a community where the mindsets are a total polar opposites of the one I just left. A weirdo label gets hung around my neck.

I never regretted Rutgers. I never regretted INTEC. Despite the bitter memories with colleagues.

Indeed. Ultimately it all falls back to myself - will I strive?

1000 demands, 0 fucks left.

As much as I wish to banter and ramble on my philosophies in life. I think I am still imperfect, thus, unfit to judge and reprimand people for the things that they do.

I often decide to just release a silent whisper of "fuck you" to them and continue on with my life.

Have you ever felt like strangling someone? The feeling of hatred that seemed to have sprouted from within and has its roots so wedged deep inside you that its evil roots start to take control of your mind. This sense of dissatisfaction. The bubbling anger. The wave upon wave of surging intention to just wrap your fingers around the neck - comfortably positioned right on the location of the thorax, thumbs crossed choking the main blood vessels in the neck and fingers clawed deep into the atlas vertebra.

As you tighten your grip, the burst of hormonal cocktail does its magic - adrenaline slowing down time and giving you a pseudo-superhuman strength and reflex. At those seconds, you wonder what the first signs of damage is. Will it be the rupturing of the pulmonary blood vessels? Will it be the collapsing of the windpipe? Or perhaps (PERHAPS) will it be the snapping of the vertebrae?

The world has an abundance of people with twisted ideas. But what makes us different from those psychopaths out there is our lack of action on our wild imaginations.

So I unclench my fists, take a deep breath, and show a mental middle finger.