Lovefinition

               Love; a four lettered word that leads a human to a multitude of emotions - bliss, distaste, anger. Love is up to the heart to decide for emotions which are the reactions of our subconscious towards things. One can spend decades before realizing the person in front of them is The One. The most random of incidents could be a spark to something; either igniting a bright momentary firework or a dazzling eternal flame - metaphors of love these are. These are metaphors even I could not shape so well. I admit I do not know what love is. So I will leave you to define love in your own taste of tongue.

Silence

I saw a blind man
A happy man
Jaywalking amidst the chaos
He almost hit a wall

I saw a couple
Hot in a quarrel
Squabbling amidst the chaos
Of the packed warung

I saw a stylish man
A foreign man
Littering amidst the chaos
In the crawling bus

I saw people
Smiling people
Jolly amidst the chaos
A strange sight

Yet I stayed silent
Stupid me.

Foolishness

What are you fighting for?
A future?
The void unknown to man
A pride?
Your reflection
A gamble?
A worthless investment

Reverse your sight
All these time spent
All these scars and bruises
All the irreversible sands

Albeit this darkness
Standing wearily I believe
The dreams of eternal bliss
A lantern
The lantern of hope
I draw my will
I will fight


Then till now
Both of you are against your backs
Curled up and cornered
Yet,exit is a blink away
An irrational situation


Curiously,
Desperately,
Honestly,
What are you fighting for?

Strength

INVICTUS -Louis Untermeyer- OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.       A very stirring poem, the depiction of the ideal fighter. How hard life may hit you , how condemned you are, how shunned you are. Stand tall, unfazed, shoulders squared, determined. It is yourself who'll walk yourself to the light someday, and the judgment shall be passed on yourself. Never let the world dilute you in all its seeming wonders.       No, I'm not that. I'm frail, weak. Those are what people may see me as. But I'm not. These words are just whispers from the lost and helpless - Me. Allah help me be strong. Amin.

Kick In The Balls

I already see a pattern in my health. You see the most vital day in a week is Wednesday, there will  be the insanely most soporific yet tiresome exam ever - SAT Practice Tests, and there will be the 2 most crucial subjects in my syllabus that to me seems that of a far fetched hope to score - Maths and Reading. Sue me being a left-hander making numbers not my forte'. But thanks to the people upstairs, I have a prominent talent in designs and arts (but seriously I don't see any correlation between arts and Biology. Why did I take Biotech in the first place? Syuk you need to do some serious thinking - then again... I'm just too much of a lazy bum to do so. To hell with it.

Back to the topic, ah! Health pattern. I get sick always. Now I'm accompanied with a stuffed nose, migraine and fatigue. Somebody donate a bed to me please. I'd like some sleep. Please. Adios.

Reincarnation

          I unprivated my blog, I don't know is it because of the migraine disturbing my senses or is it just I'm starting to not give much thought about my family finding out about my life out of home. Which I think they will find out one day, so if anyone from my family stumble upon this blog, you can be judgmental. I've made my peace with the People Upstairs regarding my life away from home.

         Headaches are a pain in the ass, not to forget my sinus.Once I get my migraine, productivity goes down the drain. I hate the fact I'm typing a blog post instead of studying my Pre-Calculus. I can't seem to make peace with numbers, I don't know why. Instead I find myself at home with words and the keyboard. Spilling words on paper is like therapy. Well not as satisfactory as crying in the middle of the night during Tahajjud, but close enough (at least I get my writing assignments done).

       I finished reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower.

      Have you ever read a book that got you mesmerized and thinking "I could relate myself to him"? It isn't a sad book of a melancholic and pathetic tone, no, it's a book of a casual style,more like a diary. But its his experiences that I myself could connect and understand with is what made me have those mushy mood swings. I witnessed firsthand the stuff he went through. It's all in the process of growing up, I can't blame the fact I can't socialize that well to anyone, perhaps I was wired to be pedagog - to talk only when to talk, and to talk words of benefit.

      But I guess I realized that too late, I don't know who i really am. An actor who is in the middle of a performance, yet lost his train of thought on his act. Just like Rango.

Who am I?

      Searching for the meaning of myself is imperative in helping to deduce myself in order to see clearer in my plans of the future. But I'm afraid my hopes of tracing back my footsteps to recollect bits of who I really was looks pretty dim. My life started at 13, by that time I was already shipped into the hostel. And haen't found someone who really has a full picture of me. Even my parents don't (I think). Well mostly because of my own fault that I find myself to be so reserved and stingy in terms of sharing and revealing myself. So I always end up cursing in the wind or just simply weep the pain away. Charlie'll understand (If he's real).

      I did a lengthy essay on Types Of Friends, I poured my heart out. No one can read that except the lecturer. It's just too painful. I ended up whimpering to Her, and like a mother, she coaxed me to sleep. So much for being strong Syukri. I realized what a messed up person I am in terms of socializing and motivating. Surprisingly, those things still haven't proved that deleterious to me. But it made me rethink of my easiest solution - Blend in like a chameleon - but with a price that I'll forget who I am in the first place.

The Joker is a genius

       Ustaz told us to do a presentation of one name of Allah, I think I'll take As- Sami' , The Listening. Based on the reasons that He can hear my silent screams and quiet thoughts. Alhamdulillah for lighting my path up until now. Alhamdulillah for listening to my incessant pleas and complaints. 

       Lets hope I don't tear up during my presentation tomorrow, talking about As Sami' brings up bitter memories that I kept away from everyone. No one is a good listener to me, maybe I am that low in their eyes,or perhaps I am simply boring. I don't know, You tell me.

Fragments

Is a brain drain overpowering my capabilities? Or is it just the lack of rest. The vision of me stranded here gives me the bland motivation to push myself to my utmost limit. Yes, I am a lazy bum.

1 month left from the SATs and I still haven't bumped up my marks that were satisfactory to me. I feel like cursing to myself for my laziness and procrastinating habits. Failure, it's a toll I must pay for all the slacking. Failing my Pre-calculus is simply heart-wrecking enough. Needless to say about my other tests. I don't want to flunk,but the odds of achieving an extravagant grade is just a too far-fetched dream. Just like my objective to rebuild my muscle tones. Hopeless.

Maybe all the sins I did came back to me with a smash. The Other Half said to me once that smartness and glory can just be taken away by Allah, in a snap. *snap* , and its gone, just like that. Syuk you're an overconfident loud and arrogant bastard. Heh, self insultation, the only solution for a cocky brain (since I am too much of an ignorant to even give a f*&k about what people say to me). 

I don't believe in Karma, but I do believe that all the stuff you did will kick you back in the ass. But what if you already made your peace with the People Upstairs? I mean, can amendments really stop the hang sentence? I guess more thought has to be given in this.

Studying and diligent just doesn't fit in with my style.Same goes to smart and brilliant. But what the hell, no pain no gain, and absolutely nothing to lose by trying. 

Insya-Allah I'll try to fix some flaws here and there. for the best of myself, for my future, my family,both of us dan sewaktu dengannya. 

If you're reading this, I'm fine okay? Just releasing stress. Oh I went to Sunway and went ice-skating. awesome. though it blew a huge dent in my wallet. Now I'm trying my best to save my financial status from the verge of bankruptcy (padahal ada je Mama nak hulur duit).

Mama almost got to know who my girlfriend is, thank God no one ratted me out.

Okay I'm sleepy. Adios